The brave don't live forever. The cautious don't live at all.--shango

Howdy Howdy all!

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option--author unknown
Now I don't necessarily believe this statement to be applicable to all situations but for the purposes of this post I feel that it works....

As you know I am not married nor am I a mother. I am not gonna say that I never want to be a mother but I can honestly say that I have no desire to actually produce a human being myself but I will gladly take over the care and feeding of a small human that is already on the planet. Now on to the matter of marriage.

I am not terribly motivated to be a wife per se but I am not averse to being in a healthy, happy, balanced relationship.
I had fallen for someone and while I had not given myself over completely to the idea of togetherness I had some interest in a kind of couple-dom. I am not going to out and out say that I have no interest in the person anymore but I will say that over time I constantly heard from said individual how they enjoyed the single life (this is like their mantra. I mean constantly hearing about their single-hood and childlessness and their inability to concentrate on relationships right now or ever kinda took hold) and such and so I took the information and I changed what I wanted from them based on what they intended to give (which was very little on the romantic front). I don't know if the aim was to subtly let me know not to count on them or not to count them as a possible partner but whatever the goal it certainly worked some magic that put my detach mechanism up front and at the ready.
Don't panic my friends, I am not depressed about it. I am actually quite right.
The point I was making is that I was given the information and I processed it according to how I live my life. I ceased and desisted my pursuit (not that the feelings are totally gone but I stopped behaving as if they were still there, Self Preservation ya know).

Plus You know--Beating a dead horse is...well, futile and quite gross. anyway---
I would like to become involved with someone with similar interests and motivations.
Not exactly the same as myself of course but a nice compatible man to go on a date with and chat on the phone with and hit up some of my lame ass festivals and museums outings with. Nothing fancy just someone to focus their attention on just me, and ask questions about just me and to listen to me talk about nothing in particular. The same attentiveness that I would give to them.

The other day during my break I walked over to the Grocery store to sit in their cafe and have a green tea. A fellow sat down next to me and started chatting. He asked me questions about myself and listened to the answers, never mentioned an ex-girlfriend or some ex-wife and kids drama he just talked about the topics I chose and was downright cool and interested. I wasn't really interested in him romantically but it felt nice to have his attention. I took his email address anyway--I didn't wanna be rude, you know what I mean?

This has been on my mind lately though, you know, partnership. Well to be fair I had a series of dreams about...ahem...grown up stuff.
I don't expect to get hitched and put down permanent roots (I want to travel and build a business and such) but it would rock to have someone I could walk up to and say "hey, let's see how we like living in Portland for a minute or let's learn to s.c.u.b.a through leisure learning" or I dont know, something spontaneous and new. I want to hear positivity when I  introduce something  to the partnership, you know, a  "can do" attitude.  I just don't want to be the only person in a two person scheme you know?

I feel like I should have taken the hint  sooner but for a while I held out hope that they would see how bad-ass I am and act accordingly-- not tell me all about their ex-girlfriends and current female friends who they think are bad-ass right now.

I saw this couple at Target, they had on wedding rings so I assume that they were married, the guy walked up and just naturally engaged with the woman he was with. He called her "sexiness" right there in front of the world like it was her given name.
Today I saw a neighbor caress his girlfriend like he had never been in the presence of a more attractive and amazing woman. I was jealous of her and the attention she was getting. Not like I wanted her boyfriend or anything just like "wow, I want that too on different level". I don't need pet names or anything but I do want--I don't know, something.

*Like one of my ex-boyfriends used to ask me to tell him about a different year in my life periodically. It was strange because a lot of the details of my life are sketchy to me (defense mechanism) but he was always trying to get to know me. *In turn I used to insist that he reciprocate with a year in his life as well. It was like a ritual for us, like an inside thing just the two of us had. for example--I would tell him about a talent show I performed in and WON in High school and he would tell me about a high school dance he attended with his cousin because the girl he asked backed out and went with someone else. Kinda like a script. When one finished talking the other would comment on what was heard and then begin their tale. We used to lay on the ground at night, star up at the sky and just chat like this.

Another boyfriend would always try any idea I came up with no matter how uncomfortable it made him. That was his way of getting to know me. In turn I would do his favorite activity with him--minds outta the gutter people--go to bingo with his grandmother. She was wonderful little woman and by sharing her with me he told me where he had placed me in his life. His friends knew me and so did his family. I wasn't incidental.

Thats what I mean. I want something like that but in the context of where I am now as a person. Like a quirky Pagan version of those stories, complete with the knowledge of my importance to the other person. Where friends and family know how I fit and why I belong in that space of the person's life. I wish I had been mature enough and confident enough in myself to have appreciated those partnerships more than I did at the time. I valued them at the time sure but not in the way that they deserved and certainly not in the way that I do now.
I think a lot more of myself and my abilities and worth today than I did then. And I don't need someone else to tell me what I'm worth because I already know what I'm worth. What I want is someone who can appreciate my gifts and worth as much as I have learned to over the years.

That is what we should all have in our friendships and love-ships, right? We all deserve to be more than just an OPTION to the people we love or even just like. That, is what I believe.
UGH! Are you sick to death of this entry yet? I dont know, just musing I guess....
LOL Anyway this is my favorite song in the entire world. The words are really simple but the sentiment is really nice and they have always made me feel good and sorta hopeful. I know, I know, lame...