Howdy Howdy all!

This is just a personal post to get out some worries...my stepfather is showing early signs of alzheimers disease I think. He gets lost now-frequently and some other stuff that is just too much to mention. Now I am in charge of researching facilities that might be able to handle some one with his issues because my mother is...well you can imagine. I am worried about the day that he doesnt recognize her-me-his daughters. How will everyone take this...how will my mother take this?

You know, I try not to dwell on things that can't be changed but this is really kicking my ass! I mean I mentioned it to some degree to some folks and got some great help with resources and some support and MAN do I appreciate that shit...for real...thanks for letting me vent ya'll (Mindsay included).

What kind of cruel ass disease is this?

I mean WTF kinda of malady makes you a fucking stranger in your world damn near over night?!

My mother is still living like normal on the surface...going to work and church and the hair salon...trying to keep something routine and familiar but she retires this December and I wondered what would be her routine then?

Well I know exactly what will happen then. She will do what she always does...TOUGH IT OUT! She'll think of way to cope and do just that. You know, she had a difficult life and in turn her children had a difficult life but I never saw her give up (seen her have serious setbacks) but never just throw up her hands...and I never just throw up my hands...that was a hell of a lesson that I learned from her and the one that has really made my existence bearable in some really rough times...No matter what 'you're better than this situation', 'don't ever just lay down-dig in, give as good as you get'...not her exact words but absolutely her actions...So while we can't help my stepdad neurologically we can strive to make this situation bearable until there is a new routine...

I have been sitting with it all quietly trying to sift through it all and come out the other end intact and I realize that while I am worried and afraid and hurting for my mother--ultimately it aint just about my tiny little world..

my mom and stepdad are who need my focus and care and attention...I tell you what, I see what is happening to him and think about all wonderful things that happened in his life that he will not remember and I am scared beyond all imagining...

I know one thing, I am over being negative about small and incidental things(not really a huge issue for me but still...),

I am over putting off the things I really wanna do out of fear and

I am so so through swinging at every single ball that comes at me whether it is fair or foul...only the things that will help me and those in my life for the long haul...no more worrying about the things in the people I love that I can't change...

I will let them live as they will and I will support them but I will not add to the madness nor will I accept any of it as my own--

I am going to learn some decent Italian and Latin

I am going to Italy

I am going to Arizona (again)

I am going to go on a GREAT vacation with friends (and have the time of my freakin life! PERIOD)

I am going to start my magazine! (if it is the last thing I do-hopefully it wont be though )

I am going to publish my series of fantasy fiction (oh you betta believe it)

I am going to be YOUR friend through the funk and beyond (It may be difficult for all involved right now but I think  it's worth it- if not tell me and I will respect your wishes completely....I dont have a lot of fight in me right now though so please ease back on the swings for a second...)

I am going to get my PhD

I am going to live my ass off- (rejection be damned! I am just gonna start going for it)

I dont have a poem to post because this was more exhausting and telling than any poem I could possibly post....thanks for listening/reading

Just do what the hell you need to do to find your bliss, you never know when the power of creation will be USURPED...just do it (wow, so Nike is good for something eh?) Oh and thanks for staying up nights talking to me...she's a lucky woman indeed sir! You're a good baby brother...

Oh and uhm I think of YOU often...thanks for your kindness as well...

Ya'll be peace and Goddess Bless!

Thanks a lot for the sources R...they helped so much!