Howdy Howdy All!!!

Well today was a grueling one at the salt mines AKA furniture retail..Okay I am gonna offer a few tips for our consumer population to prevent the every annoying and embarrassing instances of SWD or "shopping While Dumb". To illustrate I will put down a few sample scenarios (all of which have happened to mysel and to torridgirl and superfantastico (no longer on mindsay) in our sales careers....I have read on a number of blogs what folks write about sales persons being rude and while I am sure that there are a number of salespersons who are rude indeed but generally it is very very difficult for salespersons to be rude to customers without swift redress..especially in high end sales...GMs (general managers) will jump your shit if a customer calls to give grief about some salesperson and they will get reprimanded or fired (this happens more than you might imagine, so try not to bitch about someone unless they really are shitty to you). I sometimes get guests who will try and provoke me in order to complain seeking a discount for their trouble...one woman told my manager that I was too polite, and she knew it was fake and that I was trying to embarrass her by using "big" words (I think I used the word "veneer" and I can't think of what else but it was NOT big...cunt!)

1. For the LOVE of everything SANITARY, do not try to bring back UNDERGARMENTS ever! Never! Even if you haven't worn them. the store should not have to handle them AFTER they have left the premises and shared your personal space...A customer actually told Torridgirl  and I quote "But I didnt wear them...SEE you can SMELL them". Okay now that is just FOUL...if you can't fit them then use them as rags, grind them into mulch or compost, just resign yourself to eating the cost cuz that is just NASTY. ok?

2. If you are not in a damn flea market do not try to haggle! I work for one store in a VERY large chain and I dont own ANYTHING in the building so giving you a discount is actually THEFT on my part and while you might seem like a nice and happening person, I am afraid that I simply can't risk prosecution so that you get 10% off of a shower curtain rod...sorry (NOT) I had a guest say to me in a huff (you know the whole arms folded across the chest narrow eyed glare) "You could take something off of it if you wanted too!" Yeah because while it is my store, hell, my CORPORATION, I choose to come here and stand for 6-8 hours a day to take garbage from clowns with too much time and too few friends to "lunch" with.

(I was actually reprimanded for once saying "If I owned the place I'd be anywhere but here fighting over the tax on a bath sheet with you ma'am") okay that was a taste rude but gimme a damn break! If it is beyond your wallet then leave it alone and shop/LIVE within your means (hell I work there and NEVER buy shit because it is absurdly over-priced in comparison to my means). oh and while I am on the subject: NO YOU CAN NOT HAVE MY DISCOUNT! I DONT KNOW YOU!  foul!

3. Uhm just because the item you wan't isn't in stock doesn't mean that WE dont LIKE you(I mean we don't  but that isnt what NO means)! It's just that you are not the only person who saw the ad/mailer and liked the item...I could go into that whole early bird getting the worm jazz but you get the point! Sample conversation(this actually happended to me-more than once) and for the record "Hi welcome to _____, what can I help you find today" actually means "we dont like you"

Customer: Do you have this in stock?

Me: No ma'am, but I can order it for you and it would be here next tuesday...

Customer: Ugh! that was RUDE!

And...SCENE

How in the hell was that RUDE?

4. I love this one!!!!

The all to ridiculous limp wristed point that comes with the affected "uhm do you have that in stock?"

ME: Well ma'am we sell everything on that wall which "that" would you like?

Customer: UGH! That one right there next to the wood table!? I'm pointing right at it...

Okay we sell ONLY wood tables and we sell more that 20 kinds! and they occupy an entire area of the store! WHICH freaking one? They all have TAGS and SKU numbers and hell you could always just walk up and tap the mutha fucka! Well guess what..I am here until closing clown, let's place 20 fucking questions...this usually gets folks to be more specific and stop wasting everybody's time...

5. Since when does retail equal Half-Wit? Half of the folks I work with are HIGHLY intelligent and excellent salespeople...they can manipulate like mad and can discourse on a number of subjects (which we frequently do with all sorts of customers who come into the shop) Some (myself included) are working on advanced and undergraduate degrees in any number of subjects from Archealogy(superfantastico-no longer on mindsay), Anthropology, Psychology, Mathematics, Philosophy, Theology, Gender Studies and Literature (myself)

Customer: Do you sell valances?

Me: No ma'am we sure don't, you might try..." she cuts me off rudely..

Customer: Do you know what a valance even is?

BITCH! No you did not! How fucking rude is that shit?! Unfortunately I get this shit more than many of the other associates for reasons that I wont go into...

Me: As a matter of fact ma'am I do indeed know which is why I cant tell you unequivocably that we do not sell them..you believe that I told you no without actually knowing what you were talking about?

Customer: Well it's happened before!

Me: excuse me? I have done this to you before? I dont believe so..

Customer: UGH well not you...but- I cut her off this time

Me: oh of course not..

Customer: (heavy sigh) well where can I go to find valances?

Me: I'm sorry, I am actually not really sure. (which is true although I have a very very good idea). fuck that bitch...

Oh and yeah we TALK raw about you when you leave!!!!!

There are so many other offenses but this post is getting a little long and I just needed to get that off my chest before I tackle some medieval law codes....ya'll be PEACE! fine here is some poetry because well...just cuz! (btw you would be favorite customer, customer, customer)

Let These Be Your Desires

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself
But if your love and must needs have desires,
Let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook
That sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
And give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer
For the beloved in your heart
And a song of praise upon your lips.

Kalil Gibran

Goddess Bless