environgirl @ MindSay

Okay, I will be the first to admit that I have been in what I believe was love. I will admit that just because I loved someone didnt mean that I would not hurt them, not intentionally mind you but I hurt them still. And hell who's to say that acting on that knee-jerk thing rather than taking a deep breath and thinking, thinking, thinking first isnt indeed intentionally hurting someone, even someone you love?

What about those times when you want to...I dont know....behave and do but the rug still gets pulled out from under you?

What keeps you from chunking the deuce and renouncing the whole setup?

What keeps you from just saying "I'm gonna get mine whether you get yours or not?"

Is it karma? Are we just performing so that we won't muck things up for our souls when the next stage(if you believe there is a next stage that is) comes?

If you go buck wild will that land you in a place akin to Purgatory or something? If so, do you care enough to live as if this Purgatory-like dive exists in the nethers?

Okay, you got me. I do try to behave so as not to pollute the universe with my psychic filth or junk energy as it were. I do believe that you get what you give as many religions teach. And so I reign in my baser emotions and motivations in an effort to keep my cosmic space as blemish free as possible. Where was I? Oh yes Love....

What makes me think I was indeed in love? I mean I have heard of

Parental Love-even when you mess up big time the best parents don't let you get off scott free but they dont write you off either..

Sibling Love-sure you think your brother or sis is full of beans but if someone else tries to stir their pot the gloves come off...

Friendship Love--You friends become family through shared experiences and when something pops off you can crash on their couch or munch vittles from their fridge with little or no yakety yak!

Societal Love--Your general concern for humankind (if you aren't a jerk or --insert vampiric political party of choice here--) You see someone in need of a buck, or a hug or even more a group in need of a check and you out of actual concern break them off a piece of your American dream Actualized.

LOVERS--this is the one.

Husbands and Wives (if they are lucky) are not just spouses but Lovers on some level.

Couples (ALL couples in love) should have this thing between them that ignites some spark (even after the relationship has passed the springtime stage and moved into winter).

I have felt that between me and another on occassion and I have wrapped myself around that feeling and let it burn me, burn me, burn me. I loved that feeling of familiarity couple with some small new-ness.

What happens if you loose that? Or if you never really have but press on into relationship territory? What then? Can it be cultivated...that spark?

I have heard that folks grow to genuinely and wholely love one another in the abscence of that spark.

I dont know if I believe it though. I mean if you have a general feeling of friendship with someone and they are really very good for you otherwise (you know-they encourage your creativity, make you feel good about who you are, and basically tell you what you know but need to hear periodically), then can that or rather should that be enough. Should you be greedy? Is that Greed?

They just don't set you off or give you that tingle--that quickening in the breast that you know is necessary for a real and true fit.

I don't know...maybe the holiday season is working me over and causing all this blah blah blah....

To Be Continued...

Poetry to the rescue.....

A Lady

You are beautiful and faded
Like an old opera tune
Played upon a harpsichord;
Or like the sun-flooded silks
Of an eighteenth-century boudoir.
In your eyes
Smoulder the fallen roses of out-lived minutes,
And the perfume of your soul
Is vague and suffusing,
With the pungence of sealed spice-jars.
Your half-tones delight me,
And I grow mad with gazing
At your blent colours.

My vigour is a new-minted penny,
Which I cast at your feet.
Gather it up from the dust,
That its sparkle may amuse you. --Amy Lowell